Thirty Five

I turned 35 in August. Thirty five. That’s halfway to seventy and 21 years removed from the beginning of high school. I’ve never been one to get upset about my age. When I was younger, all I wanted to do was grow up and be an adult. This birthday, though, was different. Tough. Not really welcomed. I know that 40 is supposed to be the new 30, whatever that means, but I’m not a fan of this aging thing. Not anymore. I suppose that isn’t correct either, because I’d rather be aging than the opposite. It’s just that all of a sudden I feel myself getting older. Like I can feel it in my bones or my soul. I think I’m a full-fledged adult now and needing to make some Big, Scary Adult Decisions (Whose acronym would be BSAD. Ironic?)

Big, Scary Adult Decision 1

In a perfect world, we’ll have a baby this year. I’m not sure if you’re supposed to talk about those things. Sometimes I’ll bring it up with friends and I’ll speak in hushed tones about my desire to have a child, like procreating is the worst thing a person could do. Maybe it’s because some of my friends are younger or the self-appointed stigma that comes along with having diseases that make motherhood uncertain, but it often sounds dirty when I talk about wanting to have a baby. But we’ve decided we’re going to try. (We meaning my husband and I along with a team of medical practitioners – this ain’t gonna be an easy thing). And that’s a really grown up thing to decide, isn’t it? I mean, yes, it’s literally been done since the beginning of time, but it’s a big deal! Maybe a bigger deal when you’re in your mid-thirties. You know, that age when you have to get the million dollar workup, even if you don’t have pre-existing medical conditions. I guess this Big, Scary Adult Decision has already been made, but since we’re not far along in the process yet, it’s still on the list.

Big, Scary Adult Decision 2

I moved to Vancouver six years ago – in part to explore a new city, but mostly to be with my then-boyfriend and now-husband. It was a good decision. Not a Big, Scary Adult Decision though – Big, Scary Adult Decisions don’t tend to involve picking up your life and moving across the country for some dude who read you poetry by candlelight once. When I moved here, I decided I’d make a go of it for two years. That would’ve taken me to the end of 2008. By the end of that year, I decided I really wanted to stay until after the Olympics in 2010 but that I’d definitely move home to Toronto after that – bringing my guy with me. You see, Vancouver and I have never fully gotten along. We like each other, yes, but we’ve never have the same torrid love affair that I have with Toronto. This pisses off the Vancouverites that I’m friends with. It probably pisses off Vancouverites I’m not friends with either. My mixed emotions about their city really irk them, like it’s a personal attack. And that’s okay, because if anyone had a hate on for my lovely city of Toronto, I’d be mad too. Actually, that explains the way a lot of Vancouverites view the T dot, but I’m cool with that. To each her own. Anyway, 2010 came and went and now it’s nearing the end of 2012 and I miss my family and Toronto friends more and more each day. I’ve just returned from an 8-day holiday in Ontario and it broke my heart to leave. The city is so vibrant – full of people and events and life! This old lady needs more of that. The challenge is that I have a great job here and my husband is part-way through school and reinvigorated to work here. This BSAD will be the most difficult to make. Should we stay or should we go? And you know how The Clash song goes.

Big, Scary Adult Decision 3

I always swore I’d live somewhere where owning a car wouldn’t be necessary. Over the last couple of years, we’ve been using car2go cars quite a lot. So much so that at one point I was one of their highest users. It’s a great way to get around car-loving Vancouver without having to own a car. Except that now we’re a bit addicted and finding ourselves wanting/needing to use a vehicle more and more. The $400 we spent on renting a car to visit my in-laws a couple of weeks ago for 4 days was crazy, but worth it to actually spend time with them. (Okay, we totally didn’t pay, they offered to since we are short on money at the moment). And if we are successful with the baby thing it would be a lot easier to get to appointments and activities by car, especially in Vancouver’s rainy winters. But here’s where I’m conflicted. One, we simply don’t have the money right now and a car seems like a silly thing to go into debt for. More significantly than that, though, is the idea of what a car does to the environment – both the world around us and the one we have at home. I love to walk, but I know if we had a car I’d get lazy. Would I really need to take a vehicle to the library? No. But would I if I had a three month old in tow? It’s more likely. I feel that I’m craving the convenience more than anything else and that’s what I’m struggling with. I wouldn’t want to use it as a crutch. But mama might need a car. I’ve changed my mind. THIS might be the biggest decision we’ll have to make.

I’m sure we’ll figure it all out. And that’s the great thing in all of this. I get to be part of a WE, thus not having to take the fall on my own when we inevitably screw up and make the wrong choice. And maybe that’s what aging does – makes you realize that you’re not on your own and that many before you have had to make the same decisions. You may feel more or less scared than those who made them before you, but they’ve all been made before, these decisions. You just have to pick.


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